Beyond Akuze
by Wasfiyah
Summary: Shepard deals with the effects of her mission on Akuze, feeling herself to blame she tries to keep everyone at a distance. Pre/ME1, time skips Fem/Shep
1. Chapter 1

"First Lt. Shepard?"

"Come in please. Report First Lt."

"What is your sitrep"

They were all gone. Gone. Shepard looked around, assessing the damage. She continued to ignore the orders and requests coming over her omnitool. There was just so much blood, it didn't look real. Was it hers? Was it theirs? Had she fallen asleep? _No, this was definitely real_ , she thought to herself, seeing the dead thresher maw next to the mangled vehicle, the smell of charred flesh singed her nostrils. Slowly the memories came back.

"Is anyone there?

"Fuck, Shepard?"

She left the comm on, still unable to answer it, she pursed her lips, her chin just barely wobbled. _It's all was my fault, should have noticed it was a trap. Fuck. They're all dead._ Shepard fell down to her knees, and just lied down on the bloody dirt, next to her comrades, on her side she could see the faces of her dead crew staring back at her. She closed her eyes, and didn't mind if she never opened them again, she saw Operations Chief Gregory Yousefi handing her a datapad on the mission. Seemed so easy, marines went missing on Akuze, go see what happened. Of course it wasn't easy, they wouldn't have sent Shepard, that's why they sent her, they always sent her, impossible mission? Send Shepard. Shepard didn't believe in no win scenarios, she always got the job done, and did it well and with an attitude. Why was this time any different, she got the job done, damned the consequences. Shepard groaned, and tried to roll over, with a yelp she succeeded in flopping onto her back, her eyes darting open.

She saw a fireball from the sky, was it a meteorite? No, meteorites don't have wheels and rocket thrusters, it was an M29 Grizzly. Shepard started to feel cold, she looked down. She didn't even feel it this whole time but she was bleeding out, a seemingly small puncture in her left thigh. That maw had the last laugh, Shepard began to find it funny, and started laughing. Her laughter rose until she lost her mind, it was the only thing she could do, her laughter turned to sobbing. Things began to darken around the edges of Shepard's vision, she guessed she wasn't coming back this time. Accepting her fate, she closed her eyes and curled into a ball.

Shepard didn't hear the tires of the M29 Grizzly right by her head. She was too exhausted and weak from blood loss. "No life signs here Commander"

"I'm not finding anything here, they're all gone here too"

"No life-wait-I'm picking up a faint trace." "It's the First Lieutenant!"

Commander Lindsay knelt down and turned Shepard over. "First Lt. report, come on Shepard, speak to me!"

Shepard smiled weakly, "Mission accomplished Sir"

"Shepard, no, Shepard come...b...ac...k"

"Don't you die, not today. That's an order!"

Shepard fell back into unconsciousness.

When she woke again she was in a med-bay, she couldn't figure out which ship she was on, it wasn't the SSV Manilla. A sharp pain radiated from the back of her head, she reached to her implant, an L2 in dire need of replacement, potential brain damage be damned. She swung her legs off the bed, and attempted to stand. Shepard severely misjudged her weakness, not knowing just how dire her injuries were and fell to the floor, bringing a tray of implements down. An alliance nurse came running into the med-bay, "No, no don't get up, here let me help you."

"No! Fuck off, don't help me. I can do this on my own." Shepard was even surprised at her own attitude, surprisingly the nurse seemed un-phased, "Before I...fuck off let's get you back into bed...alright?"

"Fine."

The nurse helped Shepard back into her bed, and asked if she needed anything. "No, I'm fine, I guess. I just wanted to, I wanted..." Shepard couldn't speak lest she began to cry, still the memories kept flooding her in waves. Taking a deep breath she tried again, "I just wanted to see where I was."

The nurse nodded, "You're on the SSV Vancouver, they had more...state of the art facilities to treat you."

Shepard nodded, she knew what she meant. "There's a visitor here for you, he's been waiting for you to wake up."

"How long..how long was I out?"

The nurse paused, "About 2 weeks."

Shepard's eyes widened, "2..."

"Yes 2 weeks, Earth standard time."

Shepard became overwhelmed with that news that she didn't see Commander Lindsay come in. He saluted to Shepard, which caused Shepard to cry. "Fuck, I don't want you to see me like this." She couldn't help it, everything was still so much a shock. "Hey there trooper, it's okay." Shepard found it odd that her commander had softened, and spoke to her in this manner. "I'm sorry sir, I failed, I let everyone die."

"No, there's no way you could have known, nothing you did could have saved those soldiers."

"You don't know that." Shepard flopped her head back down, letting out a sound of frustration, "I'm alive, I'm the only one who made it to the LZ. Why me? I'm not better than anyone else."

Lindsay shrugged, "You don't have to be better, or smarter, or anything. Sometimes we just survive and have to move on."

Shepard placed her hands over her face, "I don't know, I keep thinking about everything I could have done better. If I could just replay it all, maybe no one would die."

"Well there's a thought, if anyone invents time travel, you'll be the first to know."

"Shepard, the Alliance is proud of you. I wanted to give you some good news."

Throwing her hands to her sides, she turned her head to her commander, "What could possibly be good news to me, right now?"

Lindsay chortled, "We all know that the Alliance has impeccable tact, but certain people watching have recommended you for the N7 program."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously." Lindsay replied

Shepard rolled her eyes, and blew a stray strand of copper hair out of her eyes, "I get 50 marines killed, and roast a thresher maw, and the Alliance wants to...promote me?"

"At least think about it, alright?"

Shepard rolled over, turning away from her commander, "Yeah...I'll think about it."


	2. Chapter 2 : Accept

Shepard looked in the mirror, seeing her face for the first time in weeks. Her eyes looked like some asshole tried to suck them out with a vacuum cleaner, her face was still bruised, a large slice across her face from ear, over her nose to just under her other eye nearly blinding her would leave one hell of a scar she decided. "People always said I needed to develop a personality." Shepard remarked to herself, she began to laugh. It wasn't real laughter, and the matter wasn't funny, and every heave of breath made even her hair hurt.

Her arms were shaking trying to hold her weight on the metal sink, and Shepard knew she shouldn't be up just yet, the doctor would give her a tongue lashing that she wasn't nearly as strong as she thought she was. Bullshit, she'd say, she'd say she's as strong as she says she is. But that was a lie, she wasn't strong at all. Accepting defeat, Shepard shuffled back towards her bed in a private room on a medical frigate. She had no idea why she got a private room, when so many others didn't, but a voice inside told her it was because no one wanted to be around her, not after when they heard about Akuze.

Akuze, there's a name that would haunt her forever, a reminder that you're never as good as you think you are, that eventually everyone dies. Commander Lindsay's words stuck with Shepard, "You don't have to be better, or strong, or smart." But what he didn't know, was that Shepard didn't want to live, not any more or less than anyone else on the mission. But it didn't matter sometimes, not every death was meaningful. She had seen her fair share of meaningless deaths, piss off the wrong Krogan in the wrong bar during some R&R, and then they were sending a letter to your mother.

She picked up a datapad on the table, it was the letter from Admiral Aragam recommending her for the N7 program. It was weird seeing her entire service record in point form, seeing it all listed out for her. Success rates, failures, deaths. Lindsay was right, the Alliance was pretty tactless, especially when it came for the N7 program. Seemed they picked people who were ruthless, hardened, willing to die when asked, but ready to do whatever it took to complete the mission. Well, she had done that, Akuze on paper wasn't a failure. There was a distress signal, and the distress signal was dealt with, along with other things.

Maybe, Shepard thought she would be better off dead. Be easier to explain, mission gone awry, how unfortunate. No, instead she lived, again. Harder to explain, made people question her motives, her actions, real N7 material. A knock on the door distracted her slightly from her brooding thoughts, being alone on a medical frigate was destroying her sanity. "I'm just here to check in on you, see if you're ready to get some time off this ship."

"Oh please God, let me get off here." Shepard exasperated, "I'm going nuts, I feel like an old lady in an old folks home."

The doctor laughed, "Yeah and I'm the warden of this old lady home."

"So I hear you've been recommended for N7, congratulations."

Shepard rolled her eyes so far into her head she was surprised she couldn't see the back of her head, "Does everyone know?"

The doctor shrugged, "Small ship, small world."

"yeah, yeah, hooray for me."

"Ouch!" She wasn't ready for the slight pinch of the medi-scanner. This time it was the doctor who rolled his eyes, "Scans don't hurt,"

"Oh come on, yes they do. Sometimes...you know, I don't like this medical crap."

"Now now, stop being a little girl. You're good to go, you're still very weak, but we're going to get you a chair for a few weeks, and you can rest and stretch your legs back on Earth."

"Wow, when the Alliance wants to give you some R&R, they really give you R&R, do I get a plushy bathrobe too?"

The doctor assured Shepard that no, she was not getting a plushy bathrobe, not eve fluffy slippers. "You need to eat Shepard, come down to the canteen when you're ready."

Shepard nodded, "Yeah, I should do that."

The doctor left the room, and Shepard pulled on a blue robe. Her legs were weaker than she wished to admit, but she told herself if she could make it to the canteen on her own, she was ok. "I am okay" she said outloud to herself. Slowly shuffling she made her way past several orderlies and staff to the lift, and selected deck 2 for the canteen. As soon as the doors opened, she quickly regretted her decision to eat. She could feel heat rising from the back of her neck, every staring at the Akuze survivor. She had forgotten what a story it must have been for everyone else on the medical frigate, the lone survivor, "what must have she done to survive that?" She imagined were the questions people were asking silence was deafening, but she walked towards the food line focusing on breathing in and out. Averting their eyes, trying to ignore the whispers that followed behind her. She knew everyone was looking, wondering why it was her that survived. She didn't have an answer for them.

She sat down at a table in the corner and stared at her coffee. She had no idea why she was alive. If she was going to be alive, Shepard took a sip of coffee, she decided she'd make the most of it. She took out her datapad and started writing a message to Admiral Aragam.

Dear Admiral Aragram:

Regarding your interest in me for the N7 program, I accept.

Thank you,

1st Lt. A.E. Shepard


End file.
